24 reasons to proud to be a man!

May 5, 2006

24 Reasons to be proud to be a Man

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it

effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are

men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to

kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart

Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and

crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here

love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and -

as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other

rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat

on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding

towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone

else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an

iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying

they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your

hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you

to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it

says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can

safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that

Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean

you're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest

of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently.

Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the

blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you

are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing

rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item.

Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT _200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the

plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing

better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get

straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is

then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do

that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes

you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in

the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand

there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut

while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't

make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you

mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's

right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Cobs · May 5, 2006