Celtic Supporters Club application form

[DJM]

SELLICK SUPPORTERS ASSOCIATION

APPLICATION FOR MEMBERSHIP

 

 

 

PERSONAL DETAILS

 

1.Forenames (Furst and confurmation names):

 

JohnPaul/Michael/Sean/Patrick/Brendan/Finbar/Dermott* *Please delete any that don?t apply

 

2. Surname (last name): O???????.* Please Complete

 

 

 

3. Age (mental not physical): 4. Sex (Guess if unsure):

 

5. Fathers Name :- (If unknown list 3 suspects) ???????????????.

 

6. Nationality  Irish  Scots/Irish  Not British

 

7. Which best describes your place of residence?

 

At Her Majesty?s Pleasure  The Great Eastern  A Pish Soaked Doorway

 

 2 rent free Coonsil Hooses knocked into 1 at tax payers expense to accommodate your parasitic brood

 

8. How many illegitimate little scumbags have you spawned?

 

 10+ 20+ Canne Count Never hud ma hole

 

9. Your Employment Record?

 

 Never Been Employed  Unemployable  Employed crowbar tae screw the chemists

 

10. How would you describe your personality?

 

 Bitter  Twisted  Bitter & Twisted  Poisonous  Absent

 

 

 

INTELLIGENCE

 

11. Can you count to ten with your shoes on?  Yes  No

 

12. Can you count to 21 with your fly up?  Yes  No

 

13. Can you count at all?  Yes  No

 

14. What is your I.Q.?

 

 Minus Figures  0-10  10-20  Your shoe size  Room Temperature

 

 

 

MEDICAL INFORMATION

 

15. Do you have any distinguishing features? (tick at least three)

 

 Thick wirey ginger hair  Deathly pale complexion  Big joined up ginger freckles

 

 Buck Teeth  Big Juggy Lugs  Greasy Black Hair  Dark Sunken Eyes  Clapped in jaws

 

 Facial scarring  One thick eyebrow stretching across your forehead  Bandy legs  A Hump

 

 Amusingly shaped cranium  Arms & legs of equal length  Needle marks on arms  Tattoo

 

 

16. What tattoo do you have?

 

 Sellick Crest  Irish Tricolour  Shamrock  Henrik Larsson  Your broo number

 

 

17. Do you suffer from any of the following?

 

 Body Odour  Halitosis  Smelly feet  Acne  Warts  STD?s  Mysterious Voices

 

 

LEISURE & RECREATION

 

18. How do you spend your leisure time?

 

 Sports Complex  Care in the community complex  Paranoid persecution complex

 

 Deep rooted guilt complex  This question is too complex

 

 

19. How often do you have a bath?

 

 Monthly  Birthdays  Christmas  Leap Years  When it rains  What?s a bath?

 

 

20 Do you still batter your wife? Yes/No* *Please delete as appropriate

 

 

21. Has your priest ever touched you down there? Yes/No*

 

*If NO please go to question 21

 

22. What are your favourite foods?

 

 Irish Stew  Potatoes  Cabbage  Potatoes  Dugs****

 

 Communion Wafers  Potatoes  Fish (Fridays Only)

 

 

23. What are your favourite drinks?

 

 

 Bushmills  Murphy?s  Guinness  Buckfast  Guinness/Bucky Snakebite

 

 Meths  Furniture Polish  Communion Wine  Father O?Flahery?s Salty Penance Paste

24. What are your favourite records?

 

 Fields of Athenrye  Gypsies, Tramps & Theives  Duelling banjos theme from Deliverence

 

 

 Ma criminal record  Guinness book of records  Daily Record

 

 

25. What are your hobbies/pastimes? (please tick those that don?t apply,????if any)

 

 Squeezin ma plooks  Exposing myself  Masturbation (even though I burn in hell)

 

 Sexually assaulting my kids  Tannin? hooses  Tannin? motors  Mugging  Shoplifting

 

 Collecting rare & contagious skin disorders  Urinating in my sink  Urinating in my troosers

 

 Stealing wheel trims  Stealing clothes from washing lines  Stealing clothes from jakeys

 

 Cultivating a gallus wee spikey fringe that sticks oot the bottom of ma baseball cap

 

 Religiously attending confession on Sunday so ah don?t born in the bad fire for all the above

 

 Telling Huns they will burn in the bad fire because they simply don?t have our high moral standards

 

 

SELLICK SECTION

 

26. How long have you supported Sellik?

 

 Lifetime  Since 1967  Since the new strip came out  Since they started winning again

 

 

27. How often do you see matches?

 

 Every Game  Every Home Game  Every game we look like winning  When day release permits

 

 When it?s on in the pub  When it?s on in Dixons windae

 

 

28. How do you pay for your season ticket?

 

 Giro  Provident  A big bag a ginger bottles  Sell the Big Issue

 

 Get ma sister pregnant again and use the additional family credit

 

 

29. Where were you when Celtic won the European Cup?

 

 Supporting St Mirren, but it was the best night of my life

 

 No interest in football, but it was the best night of my life

 

 Wasn?t born, but it was the best night of my life

 

 Having sex at the St Columba Club, he was the best Knight of my life

 

 Robbing the Chip Shop. (Evidence on shoulder must be provided)

 

30. What would you rather see Sellick win?

 

 SPL  Premiership  Champion?s League  Irish League  Fights outside Baird?s Bar

 

 

31. Do you own any of the following?

 

 A replica Sellick tap  A cheap as f*** retro style Eire tap  A Pogues T Shirt

 

 Lisbon Lions 1967 commemorative pyjamas  Balaclava and a combat jacket

 

 Pope John Paul II on tour at Ballhouston Park ?82 souvenir rosary beads

 

 

32. Have your kids managed to get into Sellick Boys Club?

 

 Yes  No, but the Club are dead keen to get into them

 

 

33. In your own words please explain the silent T in Celtic

(Continue on a separate betting slip if necessary)

 

 

???????????????????????????????????????????..

 

 

34. Please state your main reason for joining our secure unit supporters club.

 

 Near Home  Near Barlinnie  Near ma social worker  Near Carstairs

 

 Need to join a gang as part of the overwhelming ?them and us? Irish mentality

 

 To increase my chances of finding employment with Glasgow City Council

 

 

Please complete the following declaration:

 

(If in any doubt, just ask your carer, social worker, parole officer, etc tae pit yer name in the wee boaxes)

 

 

I, ___________O?____________, being of feeble paranoid mind and hideously grotesque

Coupon do hereby declare my undying allegiance to His Holiness the Pope John Paul;

The Virgin Mary, Cardinal Winning (god rest his soul), St Patrick, Billy Connolly, The Irish Republic, Rod Stewart, Mother Theresa and the little sisters of the poor, Bono fae U2, Gerry Adams, The Knights of St Columba and the chairman of Sellick Football Club.

 

I will not bring the bad name of Sellick Football Club into good repute through an of my

Actions, nor will I indulge in any practices, which maybe considered socially acceptable.

I shall hate THEM and all things British with rabid fervour and endeavour at all times

(Including lent) to uphold the longstanding Irish underclass traditions of Sellick Football Club in accordance with the rules and regulations of oor mob and will not seek to integrate with society as a whole in any way, shape or form.

 

Honest.

[Coyler]

The day I meet a Celtic fan who describes himself as Scots-Irish will be a funny day indeed.