Some reflections on 50 and life

Swan Red · August 23, 2019

I know but that I am self indulgent enough to do my own happy birthday thread really should come as no surprise.

I'm 50 today and newly separated from my wife. Literally the hardest thing I've ever done as unlike others in the various threads my wife is a truly wonderful woman who did nothing to deserve the lack of effort I made maintaining our relationship over the last couple of years and by the time I realised in therapy that my current situation, anxiety and depression have been bad for about the last 6 months, was due to my feelings about my wife and our relationship it was too late. To be clear I'm not saying the other wives of forumites aren't also wonderful people but my wife has been more supportive of my mental health challenges than I had any right to expect and yet here we are.

My takeaway from it that people really need to be honest with themselves, I wasn't and my cowardice in not wanting to face my changing feelings has merely prolonged the hurt and delayed recovery.

I'm requesting a deferral on my PhD because I can't afford it at the moment and will revisit next semester depending on my situation.

Which brings me to discovering 3 days ago I am going to be out of work come November. The company I work for has been acquired and I'm due to find out whether I have a 6 month transition role but this is unlikely and my most likely end date is November 1st. So jobless singledom awaits and I am pretty nervous about it but for the first time in years I actually seem to have a handle on my anxiety and I'm sad not depressed which at least gives me something to work with.

In fairness it was already time for me to start acting my age and now I don't have much choice. If there are different types of idiot, there are, I am too many types and need to start scaling that back a bit.

kop205 · August 23, 2019

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