My Mum

Case · January 1, 2017

My Mum had some irritation on her scalp in October. This became painful, and in November she had some precautionary treatment and some scans were taken. Given the time of year, she was unexpectedly called in to see an Oncologist last week.

Head, Neck, Spine, Liver, Pancreas. The last three inoperable. Six weeks to six months. Non smoker, non drinker, fit as a flea.

Was as fit as a flea.

I'm the oldest of 7 boys and one girl. When we were young, my Mum protected us from our randomly aggressive drunk father. The Life and soul of any occasion. Still is. Loads of times she wouldn't go outside for a few days after an assault. Latterly she did, to his shame. When I was 12/13 I'd had enough of this, stood between him and her and got a leathering. Days of remorse from him, which my Mum had heard loads of times. Then, repeat. Until I gave as good as I got and it slowed and stopped. As far as I know.

Because I left. When I was 23/4 I left to find work in England and I stayed. Didn't visit Ireland as much as I should, didn't call as much as I should. And every time I did, things were fine. And in the last ten years or so they really have been. I know for a fact.

My wife and I have a young child. The other two have finished Uni, done well and have chosen their own paths, hundreds of miles from us. It hurts. I didn't consider enough how much it hurts when it was me doing the leaving.

My Mum and Dad are still together. Irish. Catholic. Marriage is for life, even if one was sometimes treated like a dog. They're together. Separate rooms, but thats common enough. Genuinely good company for each other most of the time. No fear. Forgiveness but no forgetting.

But I left. I left. No one else did, only me. I know it's not about me. It's about her. Always her. But this is how I'm feeling today.

Our protector is dying.

Of course, I was home for Christmas. Going back next week and often.

But regrets, lads. f***ing hell, regrets.

Case

smithdown · January 1, 2017

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