YOU, yes YOU Are The Manager

[Knox_Harrington]

We did this a couple of seasons ago and it was a success. Saw Bailo had a go over January, I think, but it failed because:

 

a) Can't really be done in January. Midseason there's no opportunity to really analyse and go over a squad, looking forward. Too much has happened.

b) You have to be a really high-handed c***. Bailo isn't a high-handed c***.

 

Hello.

 

Concept is simple. If you were put in charge, in reasonably good faith, of any of these clubs what would you do? Ins, outs, ambitions, tactics, basically, you, yeah, YOU, what would YOU be about?

 

So below are the sixteen sides who stayed in the division apart from us. I've allocated a group of you mostly at random and some I've had a think about and matched up because I reckon you'l be interesting and/or entertaining. If I haven't included you, just pick someone and don't get all hoity-toity. Don't pick the obvious.

 

1 Man Utd - Bailo, Sutty, Cletus Van Damme

2 Chelsea - Molby, CarraLegend, Fred Milne, Gilps

3 Man City - John Gibo, Cobs, Earl Hafler, Hassony

4 Arsenal - Knox Harrington, Sammya, Tony Le Mesmer, Anny Road

5 Tottenham - Sion, Smithdown, Mike, Kop205

7 Everton - StevieH, aka Dus, Hightown Phil, Bromage

8 Fulham - Maldini, Coyler, Benzo 13, Grabiner

9 Aston Villa - David Hodgson, Schmuckdonald, Epic Swindle

10 Sunderland - that pic, Woodsyla, Swan Red, Gravy

11 West Brom - Honourable George, Epieur, Jimmy Libel

12 Newcastle - John, Ostrich Man, Yellow Jumper

13 Stoke - Jarg Armani, Ant, NYR, Matty

14 Bolton - Kev, Big Al, Stanley Leisure

15 Blackburn - psl, Leo No 8, Swipe, Gunga Din

16 Wigan - Rimbeux, Butts McKraken, Des

17 Wolves - Wyndham Lewis, Ripley, Murphman

[Cobs]

I'd throw £500M @ Barca for Xavi, Iniesta & Messi

 

sorted

[smithdown]

Am I Harry Redknapp or am I Tottenham manager? Cos if I'm Harry Redknapp I'm f*cking right off to Chelsea thankyou very much lovelyjubbly, triffic club, quality players, smashing opportunity.

[Knox_Harrington]

Am I Harry Redknapp or am I Tottenham manager? Cos if I'm Harry Redknapp I'm f*cking right off to Chelsea thankyou very much lovelyjubbly, triffic club, quality players, smashing opportunity.

You are Tottenham manager.

[RBM]

I feel for those at West Brom

[Tosh]

I feel for those at West Brom

can it really be worse than their reality?

[RBM]

can it really be worse than their reality?

 

I meant those managing them.

[Falconhoof]

I need to think about this. My initial thoughts are about introducing violence into the squad, bringing in certain players and replacing Pat Rice as 1st team coach with a sinister mainframe computer exactly like Hal from 2001 a Space Odyssey. I'd send someone like Nasri off to the computer to chat about why he has never tried Salt and Vinegar crisps.

[Epic Swindle]

We're already 12 games from greatn...relegation

[Benzo-13]

Fulham eh?

I'd ask for a statue of Prince on the otherside of the ground.

Need to think of the rest..

[schmuckdonald]

Ins: 1st choice GK, couple of squad-filler wingers, a left back, back up centre-back,

 

Outs: Young (£13m), Downing (£8m), Friedel (a bag of crisps), James Collins (force him to retire), Pires (released), Ireland (£1-2m), Reo-Coker (released), Carew (£2-3m).

 

Tactics: Get someone to beat Richard Dunne and Carlos Cuellar into being decent centre-backs and have Young and Warnock/new left back as full backs who'll hold back and defend solidly and be able to get forward sometimes. Have a central 3 in midfield of Makoun, Bradley and Petrov who are all pretty solid central-midfielders, place an emphasis on Bradley joining in attacks when possible. Bleed in Delph and Bannan over the season. Then have Albrighton and Agbonlahor as flying wingers who can get into the box as well behind Darren Bent. Have the team play narrow and defensively with an emphasis on getting the ball fast to the three speedsters. Have Heskey for games when you need someone to hold the ball up. If you could get a good attacking left back then have someone who can play defensively well at right back and push across to form a three, have Agbonlahor join Bent up front and the left back hold the width.

 

Other: Tell the senior players to stop being whiny s***s and get on with each other.

 

EDIT: Or I'll actually give it more than 2 minutes thought.

Edited May 29, 2011 by schmuckdonald

[Epic Swindle]

I think we should replace Ged with Rafa and tell Young and Downing they're staying for another season.

[schmuckdonald]

I think we should replace Ged with Rafa and tell Young and Downing they're staying for another season.

 

Get Gary Mac out of retirement. Still stand by my James Collins comment, he makes me ashamed to be Welsh.

[Epic Swindle]

We defo need a top CB so we can squeeze up the pitch. Tempt Liverpool with a bid for Agger.

[Kahnee]

I reserve the right to be hoity-toity you absent-minded big-man-up-front-obsessed loon

[schmuckdonald]

We defo need a top CB so we can squeeze up the pitch. Tempt Liverpool with a bid for Agger.

 

Just line them all up along the goal line. 38 points should be enough to keep us up.

[Molby]

Chelsea

 

first of all a heart to heart with Roman - is he going to sign players over me? ok, not throwing a hissy, just needed to know

 

first thing to do is solve the Drogba/Torres problem

 

I'd start with a proper medical assessment of Torres; if he's gonna be fit then Drogba goes, otherwise we sell Torres

 

next: what's the youth academy doing?

 

and I'd sign Adam as understudy to Lampard

 

that would be on my first day

 

next, I'd ask Roman to make the entire Shed end £1 to get in, but match day sales only, and invite the 9000 proper fans we have to take up residency there

[Kahnee]

Chelsea

 

first of all a heart to heart with Roman - is he going to sign players over me? ok, not throwing a hissy, just needed to know

 

first thing to do is solve the Drogba/Torres problem

 

I'd start with a proper medical assessment of Torres; if he's gonna be fit then Drogba goes, otherwise we sell Torres

 

next: what's the youth academy doing?

 

and I'd sign Adam as understudy to Lampard

 

that would be on my first day

 

next, I'd ask Roman to make the entire Shed end £1 to get in, but match day sales only, and invite the 9000 proper fans we have to take up residency there

 

And on day 2?

[Cam]

Ins: 1st choice GK, couple of squad-filler wingers, a left back, back up centre-back,

 

Outs: Young (£13m), Downing (£8m), Friedel (a bag of crisps), James Collins (force him to retire), Pires (released), Ireland (£1-2m), Reo-Coker (released), Carew (£2-3m).

 

Tactics: Get someone to beat Richard Dunne and Carlos Cuellar into being decent centre-backs and have Young and Warnock/new left back as full backs who'll hold back and defend solidly and be able to get forward sometimes. Have a central 3 in midfield of Makoun, Bradley and Petrov who are all pretty solid central-midfielders, place an emphasis on Bradley joining in attacks when possible. Bleed in Delph and Bannan over the season. Then have Albrighton and Agbonlahor as flying wingers who can get into the box as well behind Darren Bent. Have the team play narrow and defensively with an emphasis on getting the ball fast to the three speedsters. Have Heskey for games when you need someone to hold the ball up. If you could get a good attacking left back then have someone who can play defensively well at right back and push across to form a three, have Agbonlahor join Bent up front and the left back hold the width.

 

Other: Tell the senior players to stop being whiny s***s and get on with each other.

 

EDIT: Or I'll actually give it more than 2 minutes thought.

The correct answer is "put in a £50m bid to Liverpool for Poulson, Cole and Konchesky".

[Swipe]

Blackburn, eh. Stuck in Allardyces shadow again.

 

Shall have a nice think about this.

[drdooom]

Should give the promoted teams to someone as well, make some f*****s put google to good use.

[Sion]

As much as I love a player, now we're out the CL I will have to tone my targets down.

 

Aguero is a triffic lad, but my scouts have said he might not adapt to the PL, so I put in a bid for Adebayor instead, totally disregarding what the fans of the club would think. He has a triffic attitude and I 'get on' with his agent, so it won't be a problem.

 

Sanchez is a triffic lad, but my scouts have said he might not adapt to the PL, so I put in a bid for Hleb instead, totally disregarding what the fans of the club would think. He has a triffic attitude and I 'get on' with his agent, so it won't be a problem.

 

Javi Martinez is a triffic lad, but my scouts have said he might not adapt to the PL, so I put in a bid for Diarra instead, totally disregarding what the fans of the club would think. He has a triffic attitude and I 'get on' with his agent, so it won't be a problem.

 

I spot West Ham have gone down, i'm crafty like that, and so finally get my chance to sign Parker, he's a triffic lad, with a triffic attitude, but at the last minute he signs for Man City after they offer him another 50k a week, and so end up paying £10m for Charlie Adam. But he's a triffic lad, with a triffic attitude, so i think we'll be fine.

 

I'll give Bale and Modric nice juicy new contracts to get them to stay another year which will come back to bite the club in a few years, but i'll be managing England by then, so who cares.

[Earl Hafler]

We did this a couple of seasons ago and it was a success. Saw Bailo had a go over January, I think, but it failed because:

 

a) Can't really be done in January. Midseason there's no opportunity to really analyse and go over a squad, looking forward. Too much has happened.

b) You have to be a really high-handed c***. Bailo isn't a high-handed c***.

 

Hello.

 

Concept is simple. If you were put in charge, in reasonably good faith, of any of these clubs what would you do? Ins, outs, ambitions, tactics, basically, you, yeah, YOU, what would YOU be about?

 

So below are the sixteen sides who stayed in the division apart from us. I've allocated a group of you mostly at random and some I've had a think about and matched up because I reckon you'l be interesting and/or entertaining. If I haven't included you, just pick someone and don't get all hoity-toity. Don't pick the obvious.

 

3 Man City - John Gibo, Cobs, Earl Hafler, Hassony

 

 

Sell Bridge, Given, Wright-Phillips, Lescott, Adebayor, Jo, Santa Cruz, Caicedo, Balotelli. If not able to find buyers, find loan clubs.

 

Sign Bastos for left back

Sign Cahill for centre back to play alongside Kompany

Sign Parker ( English ) as a midfield option

Sign Llorente

 

 

--------------------------Hart-------------------------

--Richards------Cahill---------------Kompany-------Bastos

------------------Toure------Parker--------------------

------Johnson-----------Tevez-------------Silva-------

------------------------Llorente----------------------

[Knox_Harrington]

Arsenal. 3 issues leap out:

 

1. Mentality - we're weak as a kitten and short of leaders.

2. Fabregas/Barcelona nonsense. Can't be having with it.

3. Van Persie. Predecessor was obsessed with him leading the line. I just don't see it, but Chamakh hasn't looked the ticket and Bendtner is a figure of fun. Getting him out into wider areas of off the front gives us a player who can contribute goals, pace and creativity.

 

Taking one and two together, I don't think Barca can afford Fabregas. So I'd get it out the way - Puyol and Mascherano and a bit of cash for Fabregas. Puyol's getting on, Masch isn't quite a fit there but while the two are probably the poorest technically of the Barca players who featured against United, both have the mentality I need.

 

However I can't see me being able to pull that off, convincing Barca and the players themselves to make that switch. Means that Fabregas stays and we act accordingly - big signing to convince Fabregas we're not messing about here and get his head straight. Solve the van Persie problem - Cavani. Get him in and give him the responsibility of leading the line. Van Persie and Nasri buzzing around him with Walcott and Arshavin for cover. If Arshavin wants to go, push for Bellamy from City on a free. Carlos Vela needs to impress me quickly or he's on his way.

 

Behind them I'd want a tight three able to interchange. Wilshire, Fabregas and a bold move for one of Cambiasso and De Rossi. Big players, big characters. Covering them we have Song, Ramsey and Diaby.

 

I'm going to take the chance on Szczęsny being good enough, I'm f***ing off Almunia and keeping Fabianski. I'm also keeping crazy Jens.

 

Sagna's a good player. Clichy, hmmm. If we can get rid for good money we'd take it. Again, knock on City's door, this time for Lescott to play left back. On the whole, likely to stick with Clichy though. I'd move for Agger from Liverpool but we need a leader back there, a big lad. Money's likely to be tight though and we won't win a bidding war for Cahill. Hangeland or Samba from Blackburn are what we can probably afford who play in this leage and I'd go with the latter to head it away against s**** bombarding us aerially, thinking we're a soft touch. Leaves us picking a selection from those two, Djourou and Vermaelen. Two big lads, two silkier defenders. Gibbs and Eboue covering the full backs. Everyone not mentioned (Denilson, Bendtner, the two other centre halves) I'd get rid of.

 

So most likely it is four signings: Cavani, Cambiasso, Agger and Samba (in order of likely cost). The core is there and we're dynamic, aggressive and trying to push right up.

[Earl Hafler]

You can have Lescott for £10m

 

And i have the number of a good psychiatrist who'll help you come to terms with the keeper situation you've given yourself

Edited May 29, 2011 by Earl Hafler